Tag: self-growth

Girl, Wash Your Face: Three Lies We Need to Stop Telling Ourselves

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Girl, Wash Your Face: Three Lies We Need to Stop Telling Ourselves | Wellness & Wanderlust

An avid bookworm, I was especially excited when someone recommended Girl, Wash Your Face, by Rachel Hollis. This book hit especially close to home for me, as it focused on the lies we tell ourselves that hold us back in life. Like most people, I tend to suffer from imposter syndrome and can often be my own worst enemy, letting my inner mean girl speak the loudest. Girl, Wash Your Face is a refreshing read that breaks down those negative thoughts with the goal of helping us move past them.

Three chapters in particular stood out to me, so I thought I would share them with my readers. Each chapter addresses a different lie that we tell ourselves, and how to reframe our thoughts. Depending on your own life experiences, other chapters may impact you more deeply, but I wanted to share these insights from which so many of us can benefit.

  • The Lie: I’ll Start Tomorrow
    I’ll be honest — I’m a sucker for kicking off new goals on a Monday or on the first of the month. There’s something I love about having a clear line of demarcation between the old and the new. However, this also gets me into trouble, sometimes causing me to put off my goals with the excuse that I’ll start tomorrow. However, as Rachel Hollis explains in this chapter, “Your subconscious knows that you, yourself, cannot be trusted after breaking so many plans and giving up on so many goals.” Many of us are great at keeping promises, unless those promises are to ourselves. We’re accountable and reliable for others, but when it comes to ourselves, we can become complacent and give up easily. However, when we tell ourselves we’ll start tomorrow or we push back our goals, we are really telling ourselves that we can’t be relied on. To combat this, Rachel suggests starting with small, more attainable goals, and building over time. We also need to be honest with ourselves about why we choose to put things off, and take the time to be intentional.
  • The Lie: I Should Be Further Along By Now
    This is a lie I constantly struggle with. In certain areas of my life, I feel like I’m not living up to the mental timeline I’ve created for myself, and it stings. However, when I step outside of myself and take a more objective look, I am reminded of how much I’ve accomplished: I graduated with my Master’s degree while working full-time, I’ve reached new milestones at work, I’ve been blessed with some amazing travel experiences, and so much more. Taking inventory of what you have done and setting goals, rather than time limits, will help guide you in the right direction.
  • The Lie: I Am Defined By My Weight
    Since graduation, I have been working hard to reframe the last 27 years of negative thoughts around body image. It is so easy to tell ourselves (especially as women) that we won’t be happy or won’t have the things we want in life until we reach a certain clothing size or a number on the scale. In truth, it isn’t our weight that makes the difference — it’s the way we treat ourselves and our bodies. What we eat and how we exercise matters, and it’s important to fuel our bodies with the foods that make us feel our best. As Rachel says in this chapter, “The lie I used to believe was that my weight would define me, that it would speak volumes about who I was as a person. Today I believe it’s not your weight that defines you, but the care and consideration you put into your body absolutely does.” You are worthy of love and happiness and success at any weight or dress size, but eating the junk foods that you know will make you sick is an abuse to your body.  Your weight does not define you, but the way you treat yourself does. It can be a struggle, but for the last couple of months, I have focused more on listening to my needs, eating intuitively, and incorporating more movement into my day because it makes me feel better. Whether you’re looking to lose weight, gain weight, or simply feel your best, treating your body with respect and listening to what it needs is always going to benefit you in the long run.

Have any of you read Girl, Wash Your Face? Which chapters stood out to you? What lie are you working to overcome?

Note: This post contains affiliate links, which means I may receive a small compensation.

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How To Overcome Your Fears in One Simple Step

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lion-cub-singita-castletonA few weeks ago, I was asked to speak on a career-related panel in front of 300 students. The invitation was incredibly exciting, and I was honored to share my story with others who would benefit from my experience. A few years ago, however, this type of speaking engagement would have completely terrified me.

As a high schooler, I was so afraid of public speaking that I used to shake before presenting in my English class. I was an All-American cheerleader and loved talking to people one-on-one, but whenever I had to give a presentation in class, my heart raced and my teeth chattered. When I first enrolled in college, the fear had subsided somewhat, but I still found myself mumbling “I’m sorry” in the middle of speech flubs.

However, over the years, I have learned how to manage this fear. During my senior year of college, I taught conference workshops on blogging and social media, and a few lunchtime seminars focused on resume writing and interview skills. Most recently, I spoke on the aforementioned panel regarding the importance of communication skills in the workforce. I may still not be the perfect speaker — I am guilty of a few ums here and there! — and I may still get butterflies in my stomach before I present, but I overcome my fear through action.

In other words, we can overcome our fears by doing the thing we are afraid of. I’m not suggesting you do something completely reckless and life-threatening (I am afraid of the bear that I saw near my neighborhood last month, and I am not going to approach him with food to try and get over that fear), but I do believe that the best way to move past our fears and insecurities is to face them head on and take action.

Public speaking still makes me nervous, but I overcome those nerves by saying “yes” to those public speaking engagements and using them as opportunities for growth. Most, if not all, members of the audience are not there to criticize or condemn what I am saying. They are there to learn. Therefore, I recognize that by speaking to that audience, even if I stumble over a word, I am providing helpful advice and information. I have value.

As my friend Max likes to say, do one thing every day that scares you. By doing this, you are quieting those voices of inadequacy and lessening your fear every time. You are saying yes to opportunities and learning from them. You are growing. You are allowing yourself to be more of the person that you want to be.

Want to overcome your fears? Give yourself a chance to face them.

The Freshman 15: Ways To Prepare For Orientation

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I remember it like it was just yesterday. Almost exactly two years ago, I drove three hours away from home to attend Freshman Orientation at the college of my dreams. At first, I wasn’t all that excited to be there — my high school friends were having a party at home that I would have rather been attending, and I was terrified that I wouldn’t meet anyone within the two days of speakers, schedule planning and campus tours. As it turned out, I met two of my closest friends at orientation, and I hardly kept in touch with anyone at that high school party. Orientation was what ultimately got me excited about going to college, and I couldn’t wait to move into the dorms and start hanging out with my new friends.

Above all else, Freshman Orientation was what really prepared me for a successful first year of college. Although orientations may differ greatly by school, they can serve as a great tool for getting to know your campus and making new friends. As a peer ambassador for my university this year, I had the opportunity to assist students in the honors college at their orientation, and so I picked up a few tips along the way. Incoming freshmen, keep these tips in mind as you prepare for orientation this summer!  — Tweet this!

The Freshman 15: Ways To Prepare For Orientation

1. Get excited.
First of all, you’re going to college, which is an accomplishment all on its own. Second of all, you are about to embark on a new chapter of your life. Look at either of those facts alone and you have all the more reason to be excited. Now is the time to stop worrying about the schools you aren’t attending, and start thinking about all the amazing opportunities you are going to have. A little bit of enthusiasm at orientation goes a long way — no one wants to talk to the awkward guy who is constantly rolling his eyes or brooding in the corner.

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2. Be open to making new friends.
While it’s true that you may never see some of the people you meet at orientation again in the next four years, you should still make your best effort to meet new people. You never know, you could wind up meeting your best friend! For tips on how to make a good impression, click here.

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3. Take your placement exams before you get there.
Chances are, you’ll need to take some exams so that the school can decide what math and chemistry courses you’re ready for. If you haven’t taken your exams before orientation, a lot of schools won’t let you sign up for certain classes. Because everyone is trying to create their perfect schedules, it is important that you have met all your requirements before attending orientation so that you aren’t fighting someone a few weeks later for the last spot in a class.

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4. Ask questions.
One great thing about orientation is that it gives you a wider set of resources throughout the school. Not only do you learn about the various academic and wellness services that your school provides, but you also usually meet older students who have been through it all and can serve as a mentor for you. This is especially helpful if you don’t have an older sibling who goes to the school and knows a lot about it. No question is really off limits — they get asked pretty much everything, and because everyone else will be in the same boat as you, you probably aren’t the only person who is wondering.

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5. Distance yourself from your parents.
This doesn’t mean to disregard them completely, of course. Your family probably plays a significant role in your life, and they will continue to do so in the future. However, orientation is not the time to latch on. Most orientations do separate the families from their students, and this gives you the chance to choose your classes on your own (without parental pressure!) and prepare yourself for the not-so-distant day when you aren’t living under your parents’ roof. Even if you are staying with your family when you attend college, you will still want your independence. Fill your parents in on what you’ve been doing at orientation, but make sure they give you your space.

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6. Be prepared for the weather.
As a student in Florida, I may be a little biased, but because most orientations take place in the summertime, you never know if you’re going to have rain or shine. Weather.com isn’t always accurate, so make sure you have an umbrella on hand just in case. From personal experience, I have found that it seems to rain specifically on orientation days. Such is the life of a college student.

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7. Connect with your roommates.
Even if you have already found your roommates on Facebook, you may not have met them in person yet. Although there are most likely several orientation dates, you should find out if your roommates will be attending yours, and try to meet up with them at some point. It isn’t the end of the world if you aren’t able to see each other then, but if you can, by all means go for it. This should help alleviate some of the awkward “breaking the ice” when you meet again at move-in.

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8. Join in the festivities.
Yes, orientation is probably going to be long and tiring, but it is important to make the most of it and take advantage of new things. If there is an ice cream social at the end of the day, go and meet people. If the orientation leaders are dancing on stage during dinner and they ask students to join them, do it (or was that just at my orientation?). Try to be upbeat and energetic.

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9. Look at your general education requirements ahead of time.
As a freshman, your first order of business when planning your schedule will be to get some of your general education requirements out of the way. If you have access to a course catalog or the academics portion of your school’s website, look over some of these requirements and think about what sparks your interest. Advisers will be on the scene to help you craft your schedule, but it is a good idea to know what general classes are required and sound appealing to you.

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10. Find out about available clubs on campus.
Want to rush a fraternity or sorority? Find someone who’s an expert on Greek life. Want to find out if there’s a Quidditch club at your school? Talk to some of the people in charge of student involvement. At many schools, the different organizations will actually attend orientation to answer questions for incoming freshmen and recruit them for future meetings. I always stress the importance of getting involved early on. Why not do this at your orientation?

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11. Stay organized.
You will receive countless handouts, fliers, booklets and school paraphernalia while attending your orientation, so bring a folder or backpack so you don’t lose any of them. I found myself constantly flipping back and forth between papers at my orientation because of the sheer number of them — half the time, I didn’t know where to find what I needed! Keep everything together as neatly as possible so you can refer back to specific items later if you need to.

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12. Take advantage of social media.
Hopefully, you will meet a lot of new people at your freshman orientation. Although Facebook isn’t always the best means of communication, it is definitely a good way to group new people together and write quick messages back and forth. Exchange numbers with the people you meet, if you’re comfortable with that, but adding them on Facebook could be slightly less intimidating for the shy student, and allows you an instantaneous means of keeping in touch. When you return to school in the fall, it may be easier to reconnect with those people you met at orientation.

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13. Take notes if you need to.
After receiving countless tidbits of knowledge about your school for an entire two days, things can get pretty confusing. Instead of letting the information get completely lost in translation, write down the important things so you can remember them later.

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14. Be as flexible as possible.
When planning out your class schedule, things might not come out 100% as you may have hoped. This is okay — you have four years of college ahead of you, so you don’t need to rush your way through. Orientation may bring shocking changes to others. For example, the actuarial science majors at my orientation (including two of my friends) were informed on the first day that their program had just been cut and that they would have to pursue new degree programs. Although they were not happy about this at the time, they have thrived in their new majors and since cultivated new interests. Your mind may change, as well, and you may decide to change your major on the spot. Change can be wonderful because it allows us to grow as people and learn something new about ourselves. Keep an open mind.

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15. Have a sense of humor.
There’s usually at least one corny aspect of Freshman Orientation — a speaker who makes too many bad puns, an outdated video of campus life, a few dance routines sprinkled here and there — so it’s important to try and have a good time. Be engaged in what you are doing, but don’t let yourself become too pretentious as you go through the various presentations at orientation. Have fun!

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Questions for readers:
– What was your freshman orientation like?
– What did you learn from orientation or wish you had done differently?
– What topics would you like to read about in future Freshman 15 articles? 

What’s In A Name?

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When I was a sophomore in high school, one of the final assignments in my intro to journalism class was to write an article about the origins of our names. In my “research” for this article (if you could even call it that), I interviewed several people, including my parents and friends, to discuss the literal meanings of my name and whether or not they were fitting. At one point, when I asked a classmate I had known since fifth grade to describe me in one word, his exact words were, “You’re just… Val.” Based on his answer, I fit my name well — at least the shortened version of it, anyway.

Of course, some people call me Valerie (my full name), but if I really wanted to, I could have pursued other options as well. I could go by my first and middle name instead, or just by my middle or last name (or a variation of my last name). At different times, I’ve had friends who called me Vallie or V, and I’ve even heard of girls named Valerie who shortened their names to Ri. Ultimately, I wonder what makes us choose the names we go by, and how our various nicknames might characterize us differently.

In Sarah Dessen’s latest novel What Happened To Goodbye, the main character’s entire identity seems to change based on what name she chooses to go by. Mclean Elizabeth Sweets was known as Mclean her entire life, until her parents’ divorce that led to her attending four different schools in the next two years. At the first new school, she was the popular Eliza (a variation of her middle name); next, she was the artistic Lizbit; then, she became Beth, the extremely involved yearbook student. This allows her to get close to others without really revealing much of herself, and makes it easier for her to leave a school and group of friends behind.

In high school and college, we desperately search for some semblance of identity, even if it isn’t necessary our own. We struggle with this, and rightfully so — in fact, according to Erik Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development, we face the crisis of identity vs. role confusion around this time in our lives. Some of us combat this by morphing into our friends and idols (I’ve known girls who switched from Southern belle to only-listens-to-rap to hipster within a year or so based on the circles of people they ran with), while others tried to find themselves alone.

Ultimately, while I see the appeal in Mclean’s actions (new identities means new opportunities, and not getting close to anyone means not getting hurt), I don’t think that changing your name or anything else exterior can really hide who you are inside. You may have traded in your cheerleading skirts for skinny jeans and flannel shirts, or grown a mountain man beard, or changed your name from Elizabeth to Lizzie, but you can’t as easily hide the fact that you bite your lip when you’re nervous, you have a sarcastic sense of humor and you are fiercely loyal to your friends. Your name might define you in some way (Valerie means “strong” in Latin, and I would like to think that I’ve remained strong in the face of my challenges), but when it all boils down to it, you are who you are and it doesn’t matter how you label that.

The Freshman 15: What I’ve Learned (Year 2)

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After a year of writing about all things college-related, I would like to celebrate my 12 months of Freshman 15 entries with a follow-up to my very first college post from my old blog, The Freshman 15: What I’ve Learned. Throughout my sophomore year, I have experienced a new set of successes and challenges, and I hope to share everything I have learned this year with you.

Thank you all for giving me a wonderful year for writing! Here are 15 of the lessons I learned in my sophomore year of college. — Tweet this!

The Freshman 15: What I’ve Learned (Year 2)

1. Don’t put dish soap in the dishwasher…
… Unless you want soap suds all over your kitchen! Oops. This was a mistake I made a few weeks ago, when my roommates and I had run out of dish detergent. The moral to the story: even when you think you’ve begun to master the art of being a domestic goddess, you’re wrong. There will always be some little mistake that will humble you.

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2. Friendships don’t always turn out as predicted.
In fact, when I wrote the original Freshman 15, I couldn’t have predicted half of the things that were about to happen in the next year. While I did gain some very close friendships that seemed unlikely at the time (but for which I’m extremely grateful, of course!), I also lost a few that really stung. In the end, it’s important to be careful with who you place your trust in, and accept the fact that things may change in the future.

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3. Extra credit can be your best friend.
If your professor offers some sort of extra credit assignment, DO IT. By skipping out on one extra credit assignment in a psychology class in the fall, I managed to give my GPA its first minor blemish. It wasn’t the end of the world, of course, but I was not a happy camper, to say the least. By going the extra mile, you can sometimes salvage a borderline grade or even give yourself a bit of a cushion in case you mess up a little on a test later in the semester.

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4. Discipline is key.
The only way you can really manage your time and get all of your assignments completed is by being disciplined. This means sometimes staying home from a night out with friends so that you can finish a paper, or bringing a homework assignment to lunch with you, or even keeping a million alarms on your phone. Whatever it takes for you to be productive, you have to bite the bullet and do it.

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5. You can’t be or do everything.
College is probably the most exciting time for opportunities, and I encourage you to take part in as many of them as you can. However, as I’ve learned this year, there aren’t enough hours in the day to do everything you want to do. As Director of Fundraising for one of the clubs I’m in, web developer for a research group, PR intern, member of various clubs and full-time student, there have been times when my schedule felt too heavy. On top of that, because of my heavy involvement, I would hear about other opportunities that appealed to me, and it was difficult not to apply for them. Ultimately, you have to know your limits, and don’t sign up for anything you can’t commit to. I knew students who dabbled in everything but never fully committed to anything, and it became frustrating for both them and the people they had to work with. Find a few things you love and stick to those.

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6. Attend functions alone.
Yes, college gives you the chance to be a social butterfly, but sometimes it is much better to go to events by yourself. I love my friends, but when I want to go to an educational event like the Book Festival or an ad agency tour or some event with keynote speakers, I want to be able to schedule my time however I choose, without having to compromise with someone else. Going to an event by yourself not only gives you the freedom to do as you please, but it also allows you to meet new people with similar interests, reconnect with others and learn about yourself.

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7. Going home is never quite the same.
Ever since my first summer away at school, my family has told me how much I have changed. I knew that college tends to change the dynamic between you and your parents, but that fact never fails to surprise me a little every time I come home. I also notice huge changes between myself and old friends from high school, and although some of those friendships are built to last, I can see that others will easily falter. Being back home is a huge reminder of how much things have changed.

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8. 5-Hour Energy can have delayed effects.
On Sunday, I finally gave in to the pressure of surplus energy. I have never tried an energy drink before, and I don’t drink coffee or soda, but all of my friends were getting their caffeine somehow, so why couldn’t I? I took a shot of 5-Hour Energy at 8 p.m. (first mistake) and then didn’t feel the effects till around 1 a.m., when it was too late for me to regain any of my productivity. The good news: I woke up the next morning with tons of energy to power me through the day. The bad news: the three hours of sleep I did squeeze in probably wasn’t healthy. In the end, 5 Hour Energy was not a great alternative.

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9. The thing you wanted most isn’t always what you wanted it to be.
Unfortunately, some of your expectations will fall short. Maybe the class you were dying to take just isn’t cutting it for you, or maybe the club you have been trying to get involved with isn’t the place you want to be anymore. Be open to those feelings and realize that even if this isn’t what you want, there’s always something else.

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10. Plan as much as you can, but allow changes.
It’s good to have a basic mental outline of where you want to go in the next four years, but don’t be upset if you begin to deviate from that path. I enrolled in college as a Journalism major who then considered Psychology, English, Creative Writing, Sociology, Elementary Education, Anthropology and Humanities before eventually switching over to Advertising/Public Relations with minors in Psychology and Spanish-turned-English-turned-possibly-Hospitality-Management. In other words, your interests might change. Your academic and career plans might change. Have ideas, but have back-up plans too.

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11. It’s okay to stop and breathe.
This is something that the perfectionist in me often struggles with, but one of the most important things I have worked on. It doesn’t matter where you find that inner-peace, whether it’s through yoga and meditation, an intense workout at the gym or a creative release, as long as you can find something to keep you grounded.

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12. Perfection is impossible.
This one goes hand-in-hand with #11. Unfortunately, it doesn’t matter how strong or competent or intelligent you are — you will still mess up from time to time. Accept those mistakes as they come, and try to learn whatever you can from them. As Confucius once said, “Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” Only do our true colors show when we are put to the test.

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13. Be good to others, whether they deserve it or not.
I have always lived by this, even though many of my friends disagree with me to an extent and think I should act on my frustrations a little more. Still, I refuse to stoop down to someone’s level just because they have wronged me in the past. I think it’s better to be cordial than to seek revenge on someone; chances are, they don’t have much going for them to begin with!

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14. Don’t let your relationships define you.
I’ve said this before, but it is important to recognize yourself as a separate entity and not as an appendage to someone else. I spent my first year and a half of college focused on relationships, spending way more time focusing on boys and friends than on myself. Sadly, it’s only a matter of time before someone will disappoint you — and it’s important to have something else going for you aside from all of that. Don’t ignore the world of dating and don’t neglect your friends, either, but do make time to do the things you love and to better yourself. It’s one of the most valuable things you can do.

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15. Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
(Yes, that’s part of a possible Marilyn Monroe quote.) I thought I had the perfect freshman year. My sophomore year was a lot rockier and I am definitely happy to be done with it in the next few days. But I have to remind myself that all of the negative things that happened this year have allowed me to grow and make room for better things in the future. Above all else, we have to have hope that even when the year absolutely sucks, things will eventually improve.

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Some questions for you:

– What have you learned this year?
– What are you still wondering/struggling with?
– What do you hope to read about in the future? 

Humanity: Our Self-Destructive Dilemma

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“The Stone was really not such a wonderful thing. As much money and life as you could want! The two things most human beings would choose above all — the trouble is, humans do have a knack for choosing precisely those things that are worst for them.” – Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

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According to the humanistic perspective of psychology, we are all leaning toward self-growth. As we form relationships and undergo new experiences, we gain knowledge and wisdom about the world around us, and we naturally change for the better. Nevertheless, we still manage to find ourselves making poor decisions — decisions we know are bad for us — as if we haven’t learned from the past.

I’d like to throw this question out to my readers: why do we tend to choose this self-destructive path?

You guys know what I’m talking about. Different people personify it in different ways, but we see it everywhere: in the college student who overeats; in the boy who likes to try various drugs; in the girl who keeps going back to the same guy who ripped her heart out (and then stomped on it a few times for good measure). The actions themselves may differ, but I feel like the sentiments behind them often remain the same.

Point is, people aren’t stupid. Much of the time, they know the exact ramifications of what they are getting themselves into, and yet they still make those harmful choices.

I often wonder why we make those bad decisions on purpose. Do we use them as an escape from other, more underlying problems? Do we use them more abstractly to figure out what we can survive? Are we in total denial about them? Or do we use them to see who will reach out to us in the long run?

Honestly, I don’t know what the answer is, but I do think that when you see a friend who seems to be struggling, it is important to try and help in the best way you can. Just as Audrey Hepburn once said, “As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands: one for helping yourself and one for helping others.” Of course we aim to learn and grow from our mistakes (and so maybe this does fit in with humanism in the sense that those self-destructive mistakes lead us toward positive change), but having that extra shoulder to lean on certainly doesn’t hurt.

What are your views on this?