The Friday Five: Ways To Be Creepy On A First Date

In the world of dating, we are often encouraged to follow The Rules. Some of The Rules have been passed down to us by older siblings and friends, while others are encoded in our monthly Bible, better known as Cosmo. These Rules dictate what we should wear, how long we should wait to call, where we should go and how we should conduct ourselves. While at times The Rules make sense and are even helpful, others can be a little extreme.

This week, we are going to stop taking The Rules (and ourselves!) so seriously. Instead of going into great detail about what color clothing makes you desirable and how to properly flirt with someone you met in a bar, I want to discuss some of the ways to misbehave on a first date. I should also add that none of these non-Rules stem from my personal experiences, although I would encourage readers to share their own unfortunate first date stories in the comments section below. 🙂 WARNING: None of these tips will likely land you a second date. If they do, you may want to rethink the relationship as a whole!

The Friday Five: Ways To Be Creepy On A First Date

1. When emailing or texting your date beforehand, use only the winking-face emoticons.
Everyone knows that the winking face, or ” 😉 ,” can add a degree of awkwardness to any text-based conversation. Unlike the traditional smiley face, the winking face often implies that what you said was meant to be suggestive. Examples: “I’ve heard so much about you 😉 ” “I can’t wait to see you tonight 😉 ” “I’ve always had memorable experiences at Olive Garden 😉 “. Using this emoticon before the big night is essential because it lets your date know right away that there’s something just a little bit off about you. 😉

*

2. Bring pictures of what your wedding and children would look like.
Even if your date does plan to get married and have children with someone someday, chances are he or she will be slightly alarmed if you suggest such things on the first date. If you have a photo of this person prior to the date, plug it into this site along with your own picture, and soon enough you will see what your child will supposedly look like. (Of course, this website isn’t the most accurate – when I combined a picture of my blonde sister with a picture of my light brown and white dog, the result was a baby who looked like Mr. T.) Have them printed as wallet-sized and encourage your date to carry them around for good luck.

*

3. Excessively reference information from his or her Facebook page.
Let’s face it: girls and guys are both guilty of Facebook stalking every once in a while. In fact, it’s sort of impossible not to, when you think of the effects that social media has on us. Nevertheless, a good Facebook stalker will make the most of his or her resources by studying his or her date’s interests, observing the date’s online interactions from the past three years and rooting through the 900 photos that the date has been tagged in. After you’ve done your homework, apply what you’ve learned to your conversation on the first date. Below is just one example, but feel free to make it your own!

Not Creepy: “I see you like a lot of indie music. Any good bands you’ve been listening to lately?”
Creepy: “I saw in your pictures that you went to the Death Cab For Cutie concert in 2006. Who was that girl next to you, anyway… was that your girlfriend or just someone you met at the concert? I noticed that you never tagged her on Facebook, but she kind of looks like the girl in some of your other pictures. I’m just curious.”

*

4. Break into random accents and voices.
It doesn’t matter if you have mastered the accent or not (in fact, it’s probably better if you haven’t), so long as you change it up mid-sentence every so often. Not only will this make your date question your acting abilities, but it will also make him or her wonder whether or not they are on a date with one person or five different people. The only thing that your date will know for sure is that all five of those characters you’re trying to impersonate are clearly just as weird as you are.

*

5. Bring up as many awkward topics as possible.
The first date is often littered with cliched small-talk, so make yourself memorable by bringing up the topics that no one is willing to talk about in the getting-to-know-you stage. As you sip away at your drink, think about the most embarrassing ailment you’ve ever had and then share all of the gory details. When the waiter brings your salads, talk about how many — or how few — sexual encounters you’ve had. Tell your date about your latest prostate exam (bonus points if you don’t have a prostate). Ask a lot of questions along the way, and if your date seems quiet, just pry the information out of him or her.

*

If your date isn’t completely creeped out by the end of the night (or responds well to the above advances), then congratulations: you have found someone who may be even weirder than you are!