Can our innate niceness be misconstrued as neediness? — Tweet this!

According to a recent article in Cosmopolitan, yes it can. There is a reason, couples counselor Randi Gunther argues, why some guys prefer a not-so-nice girl, and it isn’t what you might think.

The feature then claims that some nice girls are too giving, and that their significant others may perceive their selflessness as dependence and clinginess. Therefore, the logic would follow that a mean girl has her own agenda and won’t ever indirectly make a guy feel bad about not giving enough of himself.

As one of those notoriously nice girls, I was a little sad when I first read this, because I’ve always believed in being as good as you can to the people you c are about. Did this mean that because I wasn’t a total shrew, I was bound to fail at every relationship that came my way? Was I about to be punished for putting others ahead of myself? The label didn’t even make sense to me, because I’ve always been very independent and never one to cling onto any one person.

Looking back, however, I can see how this may have applied to me at certain points in my life… and how girls tend to follow similar patterns with guys. Any time you see a guy getting serious with a girl who doesn’t seem to deserve him, it’s because she’s not always there… she doesn’t obsess over his feelings… and he doesn’t have to worry that she cares way more for him than he does for her. Turn that around, and you’ll see that girls are guilty of the same. We say we want a nice guy, but how many times have we ditched that notion in favor of someone who doesn’t treat us well?

I think this extends into all types of relationships, friendship included. The trouble is, where do you draw the line? If you seem like you care too much, then you’re labeled clingy and obsessive. If you don’t seem like you care enough, then you’re automatically selfish and probably a little stuck-up. So how do we avoid sabotaging our relationships without forgetting the true essence of who we are?

First and foremost, we have to look out for ourselves. If we don’t give ourselves a high enough ranking in our own lives, then how can we ever rank highly in anyone else’s? We can still be generous and willing to help others, but we should also remember that our own wants and needs are important, and that we cannot simply rely on others to take care of us. By taking a little more time out of our lives to focus on ourselves, we may be a little more successful in relationships and overall a lot happier with our lives.