Spoiler Alert: Episode Guide to the (Completely Fake) 10th Season of “The Bachelorette”

logo_Bachelorette_pierlogoOnAirSeason 9 of The Bachelorette premiered last night, and with it came all of the show’s usual tropes. Although I haven’t been a long-time viewer of these reality dating shows (I’ve seen one other season of The Bachelorette and the past two seasons of The Bachelor, which are more than enough!), I have picked up on some of these shows’ patterns over time.

six Because of this, I would like to present a full episode-by-episode guide of the not-yet-filmed, not-yet-announced Season 10 of The Bachelorette, based entirely on my own predictions. Please be aware that the article you are about to read may or may not contain some serious spoilers! πŸ˜‰ Enjoy!

WEEK ONE
Meet Kacie B, an administrative assistant from Tennessee. You may recognize her from Seasons 16 and 17 of The Bachelor, in which she gave her heart to a handsome stranger but was sent home without a rose. What you may not know was that she made her next appearance on Season 18 of The Bachelor in 2014, where she declared her love for magician/custom clothier Nick Roy of Season 9, but was once again rejected. This time, it’s Kacie’s turn to find love. Kacie spends the bulk of the episode using the words “love,” “marriage” and “fairytale ending” (Don’t believe me? Make it a drinking game!). Cue footage of Kacie doing adorable things, like baton twirling and gazing soulfully into sunsets. Twenty-five eligible bachelors arrive at the mansion, introducing themselves to Kacie in the most ridiculous ways possible. At the rose ceremony, Kacie sends home some of tonight’s goofier personalities (read: the six guys with the least impressive abs). Each man proceeds to tear up as he tells the camera crew that this was his only shot at love.

WEEK TWO
The 19 remaining men begin to interact with one another in the house, and cliques are formed. Johnny, the investment banker from Chicago, has a particular hatred for Hayden, a much richer investment banker from Chicago, which becomes increasingly apparent throughout the episode. Hayden emerges as the Season 10 villain. Kacie goes for a helicopter ride followed by a picnic in a cave with Travis the ski instructor, and offers him a rose after they discuss, in vague terms, what “love” really means. Kacie then brings 12 of the other men on a group date at the mall, where they must demonstrate how perfectly they will be able to carry her bags and pay for her things. She offers the rose to Hayden, much to the chagrin of the other young men. (Johnny is noticeably absent from the group date.) The next evening at the cocktail party, she enjoys a few more vague conversations, before heading out to the rose ceremony. During the ceremony, Kacie sends home four more eligible bachelors: two advertising executives, an investment banker and an exotic animal farmer.

imagesWEEK THREE
The episode begins with a two-on-one date – Kacie invites Jacob, a contractor, and Edward, an entrepreneur, out to the woods to set up camp and make s’mores. Edward reveals that he had a divorce two years ago, but that he is ready for love. Kacie sends Jacob home for his inability to “open up,” and offers the rose to Edward. For the group date, 10 of the men are invited to compete against one another in a cage fight, refereed by Kacie as they “fight for her heart.” Chris C., a bodybuilder, wins the rose. Kacie then invites Mark, an investment banker, to a country music concert amidst a fake audience, set up entirely for the show. Kacie and Mark share their first kiss under fireworks (of course), and she offers him the rose even though they haven’t really talked much. At the rose ceremony, Kacie tells the men that she is confident that her future husband is in the room. From afar, Chris Harrison sighs, knowing deep down that he is not the man she is talking about. She then eliminates three men: a personal trainer, a sports marketing executive and an investment banker. The group has been whittled down to 11 contestants.

WEEK FOUR
Hayden receives a one-on-one date. Johnny is livid, and feels the need to tell everybody. “She doesn’t see that side of him that we see!” he exclaims, the other men nodding in agreement. Hayden charms Kacie on the one-on-one, reading a letter he wrote for her about the qualities he looks for in a woman (although none of these have been officially established in Kacie yet). Kacie offers him the rose. Now Johnny is even more livid. On the group date, the men help Kacie as she balances her checkbook. Chris R., an accountant, receives the rose. During the cocktail party, Mark steals Kacie away to kiss her, but little do they know that Johnny is lurking in the shadows. Later in the night, Johnny pulls Kacie away to inform her that not all of the guys in the house are being 100 percent genuine with her. Kacie expresses her confusion to the camera crew, stating that Johnny had seemed so nice but that she can’t deal with a snitch. In the final rose ceremony, she sends home Xander the undertaker. She gives Johnny the rose, but tells him he is on thin ice.

mjaxmy0xmdg3nwzingy0mgi5ytuzWEEK FIVE
The contestants travel to a private Caribbean island, where Kacie solely wears bikinis and maxi skirts. Kacie invites Caden, a telemarketer, and Chris L., a professional square-dancer, on a two-on-one date on a boat, where she proceeds to send Caden home for having a ridiculous name. Chris L. receives the rose. Before the group date can proceed, Chris Harrison shows up at Kacie’s hotel room and informs her that Edward is still married. Edward’s wife shows up at the contestants’ suite, demanding to know what he has been doing for the past month and why he never brought home her dry cleaning. Edward is kicked off of the show, and Kacie cries that she may never trust anyone again. She decides not to attend her group date that evening, and instead does a little soul-searching until the final cocktail party. That night, she apologizes to the men and to herself for losing sight of what love is really about, and she pursues one-on-one time with each of the men. At the final rose ceremony, she eliminates Blake the alchemist after deciding she’s not a huge fan of magic.

WEEK SIX
The group travels to a lesser known country in Eastern Europe. Kacie takes Johnny on his first one-on-one date, where she explains some love-related ritual native to that country, and they spend the rest of the day walking around on the cobblestone in evening attire. Johnny talks about his dysfunctional family and explains that his childhood is what made him who he is, and Kacie gives him the rose as a reward for opening up about his past. Johnny tells the camera crews that he is in love with Kacie. On the group date, the men learn a dance that is indigenous to the region they are in, and they must perform it for Kacie. Kacie gives the rose to Mark. At the final rose ceremony, she sends home Finn the yoga instructor, who hasn’t received enough airtime to be interesting at this point.

tumblr_m07eozFUn91qf6addWEEK SEVEN
The contestants have made their way to an island in the Pacific. Hayden has begun to pick fights with the other contestants, stating that he doesn’t want to become friends with any of them, while hinting that he may have a shot at becoming the next Bachelor. Kacie invites Mark on another one-on-one date, where they kiss on the beach and build sandcastles. Kacie tells the camera crew that Mark is a great kisser. The two talk about the importance of love in a marriage, and she offers him the rose. Kacie then invites Hayden and Johnny on a two-on-one date, where they take surfing lessons and learn to “ride the waves of love.” Kacie sends Johnny home after noticing his competitive streak with Hayden. Johnny cries to the cameras that he will never love this way again. Kacie and Chris C. go on a one-on-one date, where they dance with the locals and eat a meal specially prepared for them. Chris C. confides in Kacie that she needs to be careful with Hayden because he isn’t who he says he is. Kacie wonders if she made a mistake. She offers the rose to Chris C. and eliminates Chris L. in the final rose ceremony because she forgot he was still there.

tierra-ble1WEEK EIGHT
The group travels to Alaska. On the one-on-one date, Kacie and Chris R. talk about family values while making snow angels. Kacie decides that she has a real connection with Chris R., and offers him the rose. Kacie forgoes the group date and goes on one additional one-on-one date with Travis, who (like Chris C.) warns her about Hayden’s motives. She thinks that she could have attractive babies with Travis, so she offers him the rose. Later, Hayden parades around the hotel with a bouquet of roses, pretending he is the next Bachelor. Suspicious of what she’s heard, Kacie shows up at the boys’ hotel room and is shocked when she walks in on Hayden standing in front of a mirror, asking his reflection, “Will you accept this rose?” She immediately sends him home, then cries to the camera that there are no good men left. The rose ceremony is canceled, and the remaining men are safe.

WEEK NINE
Time for hometown dates! Kacie visits Mark in Arizona, where his family welcomes her with open arms. They admit that Mark hasn’t brought a lot of girls home in the past, possibly because he hasn’t been serious enough about any of them. Kacie questions whether or not Mark is serious about her, but then he tells her he loves her. Kacie then travels to Georgia to meet Chris R.’s family, who is very conservative but accepting of the relationship. In Florida, Kacie meets Chris C.’s family, all of whom like to pad his ego by showing off his bodybuilding and sports trophies; however, they are very vocal about their disapproval when it comes to their son being on the show. Finally, in New York, Kacie meets Travis’ siblings (his parents are out of town for a cult meeting), and his brother tells Kacie that she would be perfect for Travis. At the final rose ceremony, Kacie sends Chris C. home.

images-1WEEK TEN
The group travels to another private island in the Caribbean. During one-on-one dates, Kacie discusses the meaning of love and marriage in abstract terms for the umpteenth time with each of the men. She invites each to the fantasy suite after hearing some form of declaration of love. At the final rose ceremony, Kacie eliminates Chris R. for not opening up enough.

WEEK ELEVEN
Kacie grins as she tells the cameras she can’t wait to buy a wedding dress and start having babies. Product placement ensues as Travis and Mark are each shown separately picking out Neil Lane engagement rings. Kacie introduces each man separately to her parents, who have a hotel suite out here and still disapprove of her being on television. They refuse to give their support to either contestant. Kacie cries to the producers that she is falling for two men, and that she doesn’t know what to do. After a night of rest and staring at their framed photos, however, she gains clarity and in her voiceover, she states that she now knows which man she wants to be with. Travis talks about the meaning of love and states that Kacie would be the perfect wife, then proposes to her. She turns him down because she fears he might not open up enough in the future. Then Mark talks about how Kacie has made his life meaningful, and proposes to her. She rejects him as well, because she fears that the only thing they have in common is that they are physically attracted to each other. Chris Harrison then walks out, asking Kacie what she plans to do next. Kacie bends down on one knee, then tells Chris she wants to marry him. The two ride ride happily into the sunset on a white horse.

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Sorry for the spoilers! πŸ˜‰ Hope you enjoyed!

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