My Facebook Newsfeed in a Nutshell

As I waste my precious relaxation and study time on social media, I begin to notice patterns among the people with which I am connected. It doesn’t matter that I have 655 friends on Facebook; I can still narrow down their statuses (and often my own included!) into about 10 categories. We are all guilty of at least some of these from time to time. Which types of statuses do you find most often?

The Party Animal Status.
You essentially live-blog your crazy nights out, complete with poorly lit cell phone photos, check-ins at a nightclub or two, and misspelled statuses that prove you have mastered the caps lock button. The Party Animal Status has become rarer with the threat of potential employers using it against you, but you still post them on occasion to let your acquaintances know that you have a pretty exciting social life and that you are, in no way, a borderline alcoholic.

The “I Love My Significant Other” Status.
Whether you’ve been dating for two days or two years, you are clearly madly in love and therefore want to share it with the world! Every day! You want everyone and their mothers to know how happy you are that you found the perfect person (for the time being), which is why you post statuses about the adorable things your significant other says or about why you love him/her. (Bonus points if you do this more than once per week.)

The Obnoxious Political Status.
This type of status exists on both ends of the political spectrum. If you are someone who posts these types of statuses, then you are the type of person who likes to take “freedom of speech” to a whole new level (and not in the hip, investigative journalist kind of way). Instead of, say, writing a letter to the editor or creating your own blog specifically targeted to people interested in reading about your political views, you find it appropriate to post them on your personal Facebook page and argue vehemently with anyone who disagrees. Whether you’re complaining that the country is in shambles or gloating over your candidate’s latest win, you want to make sure everyone is aware of your political views in the most in-your-face way possible. Luckily for me, while you may have your freedom of speech, I have my freedom to block your posts from my news feed! 🙂

The Passive Aggressive Status.
You’re so vain you probably think this status is about you. Carly Simon aside, your Facebook status is clearly that of a scorned lover/betrayed friend who may not have the guts to speak to the one who wronged you in person, but would still happily share your feelings online in a way that they can’t 100% prove is about them. If I confront you about your status and ask if it was about me, you can simply say, “Why would you think that? Obviously you must think you’ve done something wrong if you think I’m posting statuses about you,” and then you’ve won. If I don’t confront you, then maybe you’ve still won – I’m not really sure. Well played.

The Thinly Veiled Song Lyrics Status.
This status is similar to The Passive Aggressive Status in the sense that it speaks to a particular person without mentioning them specifically — the only difference is that it does so with song lyrics. You don’t always attribute the artist or song title when you post this status; after all, Justin Bieber may have summed up your feelings exactly in his latest song, but letting the world know so openly that you listen to him might ruin your street cred. We all know that this song is about your recent ex/crush/date, but we’ll let you pretend it isn’t completely obvious.

The Misattributed Old Hollywood Quote Status.
Let’s be real – you are either going to select a quote attributed to Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn, because clearly those were the only two important actresses in Hollywood before you were born. (I say this with the best intentions — I am a huge Audrey fan!) The quote you have posted usually has no source other than the countless Tumblrs and homemade websites that have reposted it. Still, the quote is sassy and it reflects the current state of your life in some way, so who cares if you’ve never actually seen a movie with Marilyn Monroe in it?

The Tough Girl Status.
Unlike The Passive Aggressive Status or The Thinly Veiled Song Lyrics Status, you are not afraid to share your true feelings about someone on the Internet. Instead, you craft grumpy posts about the people who have hurt you or the many things that make you angry. You threaten to delete friends regularly from Facebook if they aren’t living up to your expectations, and at least once, you have deactivated your entire Facebook, created a new one under a slightly new identity (first and middle name instead of first and last) and re-friended virtually all of the same people. And the cycle begins again.

The Status That Should Have Stayed on Twitter/Instagram.
Hashtags (#) have no actual purpose on Facebook, but you’re not afraid to use them liberally on your statuses, even if those hashtags are simply #bored or #picturesofmylunch. Keep these on your other social media sites.

The Cry For Help Status.
You don’t want to bother any of your friends by calling them up and telling them what’s wrong, so your next option is to write about your problems in a strategically-timed Facebook status so that everyone knows how upset you are and will compliment you on a website that lives forever.

The Pretentious Status.
You might use this as an opportunity to humblebrag. You might use it to let your friends know that the upcoming American remake of an acclaimed European film is going to be terrible. You might even use it to tell your friends about your fabulous taste in records, slightly offbeat but still fairly mainstream fashion, or books by Chuck Palahniuk. (These are a few tips for figuring out if you’re pretentious.)

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What are some of the Facebook statuses you’ve been seeing lately? Which of these are you guilty of?