Why Nice Girls Finish Last
Can our innate niceness be misconstrued as neediness? — Tweet this!
According to a recent article in Cosmopolitan, yes it can. There is a reason, couples counselor Randi Gunther argues, why some guys prefer a not-so-nice girl, and it isn’t what you might think.
The feature then claims that some nice girls are too giving, and that their significant others may perceive their selflessness as dependence and clinginess. Therefore, the logic would follow that a mean girl has her own agenda and won’t ever indirectly make a guy feel bad about not giving enough of himself.
As one of those notoriously nice girls, I was a little sad when I first read this, because I’ve always believed in being as good as you can to the people you c are about. Did this mean that because I wasn’t a total shrew, I was bound to fail at every relationship that came my way? Was I about to be punished for putting others ahead of myself? The label didn’t even make sense to me, because I’ve always been very independent and never one to cling onto any one person.
Looking back, however, I can see how this may have applied to me at certain points in my life… and how girls tend to follow similar patterns with guys. Any time you see a guy getting serious with a girl who doesn’t seem to deserve him, it’s because she’s not always there… she doesn’t obsess over his feelings… and he doesn’t have to worry that she cares way more for him than he does for her. Turn that around, and you’ll see that girls are guilty of the same. We say we want a nice guy, but how many times have we ditched that notion in favor of someone who doesn’t treat us well?
I think this extends into all types of relationships, friendship included. The trouble is, where do you draw the line? If you seem like you care too much, then you’re labeled clingy and obsessive. If you don’t seem like you care enough, then you’re automatically selfish and probably a little stuck-up. So how do we avoid sabotaging our relationships without forgetting the true essence of who we are?
First and foremost, we have to look out for ourselves. If we don’t give ourselves a high enough ranking in our own lives, then how can we ever rank highly in anyone else’s? We can still be generous and willing to help others, but we should also remember that our own wants and needs are important, and that we cannot simply rely on others to take care of us. By taking a little more time out of our lives to focus on ourselves, we may be a little more successful in relationships and overall a lot happier with our lives.
oh the great balance needed in relationships, its tricky isn’t it?
It certainly is! Either you’re spending too much time with the person or not enough. Thanks for the comment! 🙂
I think you are correct in your line of thought. Cosmo or not, guys like nice girls who are also independent. Just like women, guys are attracted to self confident women and ideally someone who is also nice, kind, warm and courteous of others. It isn’t either/ or.
As a matter of fact, I’ve never even dated someone I did not think was kind hearted.
Very good point. I think a healthy balance of the two is what’s important!
Spot on. Was having this conversation with a nice-ish girl pal of mine and she kind of understood why i needed me a b…….bad girl. You bet she has the link.
Thank you! And I’m definitely not saying all these nice girls should completely change who they are, because kindness is a very important (usually undervalued) trait, but they SHOULD be looking out for themselves and make sure they do what makes them happy too, aside from just being with their boyfriends. Thanks for sending your friend the link! : ) I’m glad you enjoyed.
just gonna say i love this post too. keep it up 🙂
Thank you very much! : ) It means a lot!
Hey, you have a buncha fans now! Yay! 😀
You’re totally right that we’ve all been the “stuck-up” one at one point… and I think that’s because we’ve all had at least one boyfriend that liked us more than we did them. So true that we have to look to ourselves first… it really isn’t all about having a “nice” personality. Love your analyses!
Hahaha, thank you so much! That’s very true. Besides, how nice can we really be if we’re not being nice to ourselves? Kindness is wonderful quality to have, one that I think is often undervalued, but I can see why guys go for the not-so-nice girls — they don’t have to prove anything to anyone but themselves, and in that way, I think that we nice girls need to be a little bit “meaner.” : ) Glad you enjoyed!
>>>>>>>”As one of those notoriously nice girls, I was a little sad when I first read this”
Noooooo!!! Don’t be! =P A shrew floats out of most guys’ minds as soon as she floats out of sight. On the other hand, nice girls — even after they are long out of sight — still manage to float back into a guy’s thoughts because of how gorgeously warm, lovely, and just positively drool-inducing they are. lol
However, I do get what that magazine article is trying to say and agree with its intentions, but I think that its word choice to describe those intentions was a bit heavy-handed — and therefore slightly misses the mark… and ended up sounding more depressing than it needed to be.
Not that I’m anywhere near as eloquent by comparison haha, but if I may try : it’s not about being “selfish” or not caring as much, but rather about remembering the importance of having two shared-but-individual lives.
There are too many relationships in which the girl (or guy) “implodes” into the other person — or they both implode into each other. In other words, their own desires, dreams, hobbies, school, career, friends, and/or family get left behind for the sake of the relationship, and it’s just all wrong and doesn’t work out.
A relationship should be about SHARING our lives with someone, not throwing our lives away for someone. A relationship should ADD to our lives — and to the things that give us happiness — rather than taking away from those things.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s not about being less devoted to a guy (like a bitch might be), but rather about being very devoted in the right way!
Like with a car, washing it with the strongest soaps every single day — and by scrubbing as hard as we can — doesn’t mean that we are more devoted to keeping the car clean; it just means that we are stripping the paint. A softer soap and gentler washing at appropriate intervals is a better sign of devotion, and one that works.
I really like your car comparison there… to me, your explanation makes much more sense than the Cosmo article! I definitely agree with you there, and I think you said what the article meant to say, but in a much clearer fashion. You’re right, though — a relationship should be good for both people in it, but too many people give up what they want in pursuit of that.
Thank you so much for your comment! It was really thought-provoking.